Blonde Jokes

A blonde is walking along the riverbank, and a bloke shouts across...

"Excuse me, but how do I get to the other side ?"

The blonde looks confused, and then shouts back...

"But... you're already on the other side !"

Two blondes find a mirror...

One of them looks at it and says "I know that face, but I just can't place it..."

The other one looks at it and says...

"You numptie - it's me !"

A blonde phones 999...

"My friend's been knocked over, and she needs an ambulance..."

"Where are you ?" asks the operator.

"Outside No. 2 Lebernum Avenue" says the blonde

"And how is that spelt ?"

There's no reply, but the operator can hear lots of huffing and puffing...

"Are you still there ?" she asks...

"Sorry about that" says the blonde "She's outside No. 3 Oak Road !"

Q. What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brown ?

A. Artificial Intelligence !



Q. What do you call a blonde with an IQ of 120 ?

A. A Labrador Retriever!

A bloke is in a bar telling jokes to his mates... He comes out with a couple of really cutting blonde jokes, and then gets a tap on the shoulder...

This huge bloke is standing there - massive, body-builder type - and he says "Look mate, I'm blonde, my girlfriend is blonde, the barmaid is blonde, and most of the darts team over there are blonde. Do you really want to carry on telling blonde jokes ?"

"No" says the bloke at the bar "it's not worth it if I have to explain them ten times !"

Saturday night, and there's a "turn" on down the pub - a ventriloquist is running through his routine... loads of "blonde" jokes...

After a while there's a female voice from the back, "Stop all that abuse... it's sexist, and degrading... and offensive to blondes !"

The ventriloquist is overcome with guilt and remorse... "I'm really sorry" he says "it's only meant to be a joke, and I'm sorry if I've upset you".

"Shut up, I'm not talking to you" says the woman "I'm talking to that obnoxious little twat on your knee !"

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long

Three women get in a lift, a blonde, a brunette and a red-head.

There's a sticky stain on the wall, and the brunette says "that looks like cum !"

The red-head sniffs it and says "it smells like cum too !"

The blonde touches it, licks her finger, and says "well it's no-one in our office !"

A blonde is listening to the radio weather forecast... the weatherman says "We are expecting heavy snow tonight, so we are asking everyone to park their cars on the side of the road where even-numbered houses are, so the snow-plough can get through", so off she goes and moves her car.

The next day the weatherman says "the snow is still pretty bad, please park on the odd-numbered side of the road", so off goes the blonde and moves her car.

On the third day the weatherman says "... please all park on the even-numbered side of the road..." "For fuck's sake !" says the blonde "I wish they'd make their mind up !" "I'll tell you what" says her husband "why don't you just leave the car in the garage ?"

Three people, blonde, brunette and a red head, crash there boat on an island 1 km from the shore, after a few days with no rescue they begin to get hungry, the redhead decides to swim for it, she gets 200m then drowns, the brunnete cant bare the hunger anymore so decides to swim for it, she gets 400m then drowns, the blonde alone scraed and hungry decides she is going to try and swim it, she got 500m, got tired so turned around and swam back.

A Blond Women Driving On The Dual Carridge Way Shouts Out To A Lorry driver " Your Losing Your Load " The Lorry Driver Says " Fuck Off " 5 Miles Laters She Shouts Again " Im not Fucking joking Your Lossing You Load " Lorry Driver Says " Fuck Off You Bimbo Im Gritting "

An Aussie drover walks into an outback bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal; I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside, then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,
and placed his credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and
smacked the crocodile really, really hard on the top of
its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his
genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks
were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went
up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly spoke up..........
“I'll give it a try - just don't hit me so hard with the beer !”

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years

Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

Q. Why did the blonde have square boobs?
A. Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Blonde walks into a bar with a ladder, the bar man says " WTF have you got a ladder for" the blonde replys " well i heard that the drinks were on the house!"

Two blones walking through some woods when they come alone some tacks, the first Blonde says that there Bear tracks, the second is conviced it is fox tracks. They Stand there arguing for several minutes, then both get hit by a train!

An american, a russian and a blonde in a bar and they are arguing who is the best.

The russian guy says "We are the better nation, cause we were the first in space!"

"Thats nothing" says the American "We were the first on the moon!"

The blonde then interupts and says "Ye, but we will be the first on the sun!".

The american and the russian look at each other, before turning to the blonde and saying "You can't do that, you will simply burn up before you get there!"

The blonde replies "Not all us blondes are dumb, were going up at night!"

Q. How do you make a blonde's eyes light up ?
A. Shine a torch in her ear !